Strong, healthy relationships can be difficult for anyone to build. If you’re making a fresh start without drugs, when they were once a big part of your life, you may wonder how your past substance use or your fresh recovery will impact your love life. Will people be reluctant to date someone who does not drink? Will it be difficult to come up with date ideas? How will you be able to love someone else, while you’re still learning to love yourself? At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, in Portsmouth, Virginia, we are here to help you find answers to these questions.
Take Your Time
Many people in the recovery community will tell you that it is best not to rush into anything related to love. It is generally recommended that if you’re single when you enter recovery, to stay that way for a year. While that may seem like a long time, there are several reasons why this recommendation exists:
- Dating can take time and energy away from your recovery.
- If you just stopped using drugs or alcohol, you’re still figuring out who the new you will be and your personal growth could be hindered by the person you are dating, especially if they are not making progress in their own recovery.
- You could be drawn to people who aren’t healthy for you, particularly if you are still learning how to set healthy boundaries and build safe relationships.
Disclosing Your Recovery To Dates
Not only might you have some concerns about what dating will look like, now that you are in recovery, but the other party might also have worries. Do you expect them to abstain from drinking too? Should they be worried about a relapse? Can you safely visit their family and friends who drink? How and when you choose to share your recovery story may help your date feel more comfortable about being in a relationship with you and see the perks of dating someone who is in recovery:
- Before you meet. Depending on how you meet prospective dates, you may have a chance to tell them that you’re in recovery before the first date. This could allow you to weed out people who aren’t willing to date a person in recovery. You might choose to share that you don’t drink or use drugs but not explain why until later.
- On the first date. If you make it to the first date without discussing drugs or alcohol with your date, this could be a good time to talk about your recovery. One benefit of waiting could be that it would allow the other party to get to know the real you without being influenced by your past substance use.
- After the first date. Waiting too long might make it more difficult to discuss your recovery. It could also give the idea that you are embarrassed or ashamed of your past. Additionally, there is a chance that your date could somehow find out from someone else, which then takes away your opportunity to tell your recovery story yourself.
How To Love Someone in Recovery
If someone you care about discloses that they are recovering from a substance use disorder, you may not be sure how to respond. That is understandable. You can start with the following:
- Be empathetic. Try to see things from their perspective. Even if you don’t agree with their choices, recognize that their feelings are valid. You don’t have to pretend to agree with them.
- Recognize that substance use disorders are a disease. These conditions are not moral failings or signs of weakness. They are often signs that someone has been through some really tough life experiences and didn’t know how else to cope.
- Educate yourself about the recovery process. Understanding that each person recovers differently and that it can take time for people to make progress. This means you’re giving the person the freedom to recover in their own way and does not mean that you have to tolerate mistreatment. Dangerous, harassing, abusive, exploitative, manipulative, disrespectful, or otherwise hurtful behavior should not be tolerated.
- Help them get more support. You should not be the only support a person in recovery has in their life. This could burn out anyone. Your loved one can utilize support groups, therapy, spiritual communities, hobbies, and other trusted friends and family so that they are not just leaning on you.
- Allow for growth and change. People in recovery may need some time to decide who they want to be and how they want to engage with the world around them. They may be very different, in their new, sober life, than they were in the past and that might be a very good thing, but it will require flexibility on the part of the people who love them.
At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, we believe in our patients’ ability to recover and live fulfilling, happy lives. Many people have found loving, healthy relationships after entering recovery.