Getting sober and entering a recovery mindset requires a great deal of self-reflection on the choices you are making in your life. One of these choices is who you want to have around you and especially what type of romantic partner you may want in your life. At Safe Harbor Recovery Center in Portsmouth, Virginia, we want the people we serve to have healthy, fulfilling lives, including strong, loving relationships.
Give Yourself Time
It is generally advised that people not start any new relationships in their first year of recovery so that they can spend time focusing on themselves and learning who they are without relying on substances. There is so much that happens in the first year. A new relationship can easily become a distraction and slow down your growth.
Existing Relationships
After you have done so much work and made so many changes, it can feel like the people around you, including your significant other, aren’t keeping up. You may find that you are being pulled into old patterns that you now recognize as unhealthy.
Codependent Versus Interdependent
One unhealthy pattern that commonly occurs in a relationship with one or more partners who have struggled with substance use disorder is codependency. Healthy relationships have partners who are equals, who take care of their own responsibilities but support each other. Codependent relationships often feature:
- A martyr who makes excessive sacrifices for the other person, while facilitating manipulative, abusive, or addictive behaviors by lying for them or covering up poor choices so they don’t face the consequences of their actions.
- Poor boundaries that do not allow both partners the chance to say no.
- One or both partners who grew up in homes with emotionally unavailable parents.
- One person who believes they should be able to heal the other person with their love.
Healing from Codependency
Couples can take the following steps if they realize their relationship is codependent.
- Read about codependency and increase your awareness of how it is impacting your relationships.
- Engage in individual and couples therapy.
- Set healthy boundaries and respect the boundaries set by your partner.
- Let your partner solve their problems instead of rescuing them.
- Consider ending the relationship if it does not seem like you can repair it.
- If you are not ready to give up on the relationship, you may have to accept that it is not going to improve and reduce the person’s importance in your life. This will be easier if you also build up your relationships with your other sober supports.
- Forgive yourself and the other person for the pain you have caused each other and yourselves.
Other Signs of a Toxic Romance
Codependency is not the only unhealthy dynamic that can occur in romantic partnerships. Other red flags that you might notice as you become more aware of toxic relationships include:
- Guilting or shaming
- Unnecessary drama, chaos, or conflict
- Constantly rehashing old mistakes
- Excessive negativity
- Ignoring or belittling each other’s thoughts, opinions, or achievements
- Pressuring the other to make unhealthy lifestyle choices and resume substance use
- Creating extra stress and tension
How Does Toxic Romance Endanger Sobriety?
The fight to stay sober is challenging. You need love, support, and encouragement from the people closest to you. If you are not getting that and are instead using all of your emotional energy to nurture an unhealthy relationship, it gives you fewer resources to put toward your recovery. Also, if you are constantly being shamed for old mistakes, it can make it difficult to focus on the healthy future you are trying to build. It is important to take accountability for poor choices you made and make amends, but then you need to be able to move forward. Three things are recommended for moving on from feelings of shame:
- Talking to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love. Avoid using mean-spirited words to describe yourself. Allow yourself the grace to make honest mistakes. Be kind and understanding to yourself.
- Reaching out to someone you trust. This could be your sponsor, a friend, a family member, your therapist, or anyone else who will be honest and compassionate.
- Tell your story. Shame relies on things being kept secret. If you tell your trusted person about what happened and receive empathy, you will be able to move past the shameful feelings you have experienced.
At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, we strive to help our clients build strong recovery plans that take into consideration what their support system looks like. We include loved ones in the treatment process as much as possible and can offer referrals for community-based support groups that are specifically for people who love someone in recovery.