It is important for people who have struggled with addiction to take responsibility for their choices as they enter recovery and build sober lives. This does not mean carrying an ongoing burden of shame, which can actually hinder sobriety by undermining a person’s ability to move forward. At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, in Portsmouth, Virginia we provide treatment for people who struggle with addiction and give them the tools to maintain long-term recovery. This includes helping them find ways to forgive themselves, forgive people who harmed them, and make amends to people whom they have harmed.
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
It is important for people to feel remorse for the harm they have caused to themselves and others. This can be a powerful tool for change and improvement. On the other hand, when a person is too focused on negative feelings about past behaviors, it can inhibit their personal growth and cause them to seek relief from painful feelings in substances.
The Role of Forgiveness in Recovery
Forgiveness can allow a person who has struggled with addiction to acknowledge past mistakes and then continue forward. Forgiveness is not a one-time event but may evolve and change throughout a person’s sobriety journey. As the person becomes increasingly aware of how their actions hurt themselves and others, and also how the actions of others caused them harm, they may need to revisit forgiveness again. The complexity of forgiveness is part of the reason why the amends process does not occur until a person engaged in a 12-step program has reached steps 8 and 9. It can also make it easier for a wronged person to believe that a person in recovery is committed to making a real change if they have spent time working on unhealthy behaviors before asking for forgiveness.
Understanding Amends
Making amends requires a person to take responsibility for their actions, apologize, and do whatever they can do to repair the resulting damage. A thorough apology includes several parts:
- Expressing regret, which may include the words, “I am sorry” or “I want to apologize”
- Specifically stating the harm that was done, such as stealing, lying, or failing to fulfill obligations
- Taking responsibility for the problematic choice by stating that it was a mistake, recognizing that your actions led to the person being hurt, etc.
- Clearly indicating the intent to change, such as, “I am recovering now, and I will not do this again” or “It is important to me to do better”
- Offering to correct the situation, if possible, by repaying stolen money, attending counseling to repair a damaged relationship, or committing to other necessary change
- Asking the person for forgiveness
Indirect Amends
Depending on the nature of the harm that occurred, there may be times when it is more harmful or just inappropriate for a person in recovery to attempt to apologize to a person they have wronged. If direct amends could cause someone to relive a painful experience or cause them to feel obligated to extend forgiveness they are not ready to offer, then it may be better for a person in recovery to write a letter of apology, which they may or may not send, depending on the specifics of the situation.
Who Are You Trying to Forgive?
A person in recovery isn’t just seeking forgiveness from others, but they must also spend time considering whom they need to forgive. Most people in recovery from substance use disorders are also trauma survivors who have been harmed by people in their lives. They are often owed amends but may never receive them, which can make it challenging to navigate the process of forgiveness.
Not only have people in recovery often been hurt by others, but they are also victims of their own choices while in active addiction. It is crucially important that they spend time finding ways to forgive themselves. This can be done with the support of a therapist, sponsor, family member, or friend. It may also be helpful to utilize affirmations to affirm the value and worthiness of forgiving themselves. Forgiving oneself is similar to the amends process above, and also involves showing compassion for oneself and having realistic goals for how one hopes to behave in the future. The person must also recommit to learning from the experience and letting go of negative feelings they have about themselves as a result of past choices.
At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, we encourage our clients to learn and grow from their past mistakes. We also work with them to identify to whom they owe amends and what the amends process might involve in each case.