For too long, our society has used harsh, judgmental, and medically inaccurate terms to describe people who struggle with addiction. This has resulted in shame, blame, and stigma, all of which undermine recovery. At Safe Harbor Recovery Center in Portsmouth, Virginia, we see the importance of responding to addiction with compassion and empathy.
Kissing Judgmental Statements Goodbye
If you know someone who is using, you might feel frustrated, afraid, and angry. While it might feel like we are trying to hold the person accountable by calling out their behavior, some comments that are frequently made to or about people who have struggled with addiction are based on stigma and make it more difficult for them to believe that they deserve and are capable of building a sober life. Some of these statements include:
- You never learn from your mistakes.
- If you wanted to stop, you would.
- If you loved me, you would quit using.
- It’s really selfish for you to keep drinking.
- You keep choosing drugs and alcohol over your family.
- The bad things that keep happening to you are God’s punishment for your own bad decisions.
- People who use drugs are bad.
- They’re just a junkie.
The Healing Power of Kindness
Instead of lashing out at your loved one for hurting you and themselves, it’s more productive to take those painful feelings to therapy or Al-Anon and to focus on finding ways to speak to your loved one with empathy and compassion. That does not mean that you’re enabling them, that you’re okay with them using, or that you let them drink around you.
You can be unhappy with their problematic behavior and still:
- Feel love for the person who is struggling
- Be sorry that they are in pain
- Be ready to help them get to treatment whenever they are ready to go
- Want to do whatever you can to help them get sober
- Have faith in their ability to enter recovery
- Recognize that we all need help sometimes
Understanding Causes of Addiction
Addiction often grows out of trauma, mental illness, and pain. Isolation, stress, and chronic physical pain provide it with the fuel it needs to keep growing. Telling your friend or family member that you still care and they still matter to you is a powerful way to counter the unhealthy experiences that have led them into addiction.
Boundaries Are Love
The kind words and ongoing support don’t mean that you will do things that let the person stay sick. You are allowed to set limits that protect yourself from their choices, particularly if they are:
- Dangerous
- Abusive
- Damaging for your own mental health and well-being
- Manipulative
- Exploitive
A boundary is a statement about your own behavior, and a boundary doesn’t control what another person must say or do. Some examples of boundaries a person can set with a loved one who is in active addiction include:
- I will not allow you back into my home unless you are sober.
- If I notice someone at Thanksgiving who appears to be under the influence, I will leave.
- I will not give you any more money because when I gave you money previously, you used it for alcohol.
- I will not lie about why you are missing important events, to cover for you to family, friends, or your boss.
What Accountability in Recovery Looks Like
When a person recovering from addiction is taking accountability for their choices, it might look like:
- Being honest about their choices
- Accepting feedback from other people
- Learning to recognize their relapse triggers
- Prioritizing their recovery by going to therapy or recovery groups
- Carefully reflecting on things they see and hear
- Checking in with their sober supports regularly
- Being more focused on themselves than on other people
- Recognizing that recovery requires major lifestyle changes, not just giving up a substance
At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, our team of caring professionals treats clients with empathy and compassion, while still providing accountability. We are here to support families and friends as they work on developing the skills to love our clients and maintain healthy boundaries. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to make these big changes, but it is something we can all work on together.