Everywhere you go right now, there are displays of hearts, chocolates, and flowers; advertisements for romantic dinners; and people holding hands. It’s enough to make any unattached person long for a partner and any person who is doubting their relationship wonders if there is something better out there for them.
It is generally not recommended that people in recovery enter a new relationship or end an existing relationship in the first year of sobriety. While a year can feel like a very long time, it’s truly not that long, and at the end of it, a person in recovery is more likely to be up to the challenges of starting and ending relationships.
Dealing With Big Changes
The first year of recovery is full of change. For the first time, a person in recovery has to process emotions and deal with intense situations without using substances to cope.
As described by Dr. Robert Weiss in an article in Psychology Today, people who are new to recovery may experience rapid shifts between extreme moods: “One moment they feel awesome, on top of the world, incredibly attractive, and unbelievably horny; the next moment they feel like the world’s biggest pile of dog crap, completely unworthy of love and affection.” This is not the ideal frame of mind for a person to be in when making decisions like whether or not they should start a new relationship or end a significant relationship.
Having a Full Schedule
Individual and family therapy, recovery meetings, sober activities, giving back, sponsor meetings, step work, and potentially even court hearings, probation officer meetings, and drug tests take up a ton of time and energy. These are all important parts of building a strong recovery framework, and they can easily fill all of a person’s free time in the first year of recovery, leaving little time for managing a brand new relationship or wrapping up an old one.
It may be better to get through the first year of recovery and get used to the new routine before introducing anything more to one’s schedule. Otherwise, a person can find themselves giving insufficient time and attention to their recovery, which increases their chances of relapse.
Avoiding Dangerous Places
Dr. Weiss goes on to describe how, if a person is used to sparking new relationships in places where they also drank or got high, it increases the odds of a relapse. By taking the time to build a new life, with new hangouts and new habits, it’s more likely that the places you are meeting people won’t be triggering places, full of people who are using and where triggering substances are available.
Avoiding “The 13th Step
An inside joke in the recovery community is “The 13th Step,” where someone in recovery gets involved with another person in recovery before both people are fully ready to be with anyone.
When two people who are experiencing intense mood swings and a full schedule start dating each other, the chances for drama double.
In addition, people can also sometimes get into a dating rut of being drawn to individuals who have the same traits and flaws as their prior significant others. By taking more time before starting a new relationship, a person in recovery is giving themselves a better chance of making good choices, selecting a healthier partner, and forming a stronger relationship.
Avoiding Substitute Addictions
Just as a person who experiences addiction can move from using prescription meds to abusing street drugs, addiction can also be transferred from substances to sex and unhealthy relationships, especially during the early stages of recovery.
Without drugs to trigger the release of feel-good brain chemicals, a person might seek stimulation from love and romance. This might not seem as dangerous as drugs or alcohol, but unhealthy relationships can contribute to relapse, leading a person in recovery right back to where they started.
An Exception to the Rule
There is an exception to every rule, and, according to Dr. Weiss, the exception to the no-major-relationship-changes-in-early-recovery rule is if a person is already in a relationship that is abusive or unhealthy. It may be necessary to temporarily or permanently step back from toxic relationships, romantic and otherwise, in order to stay sober.
What to Do Instead of Dating
The prospect of not dating sounds very lonely, especially when a person is going through something as challenging as recovery. In an article published by U.S. News and World Report, the following suggestions were made for people wanting to avoid dating in the first year of their recovery:
- Build a support network – if you have enough support from friends and family, it might not be so difficult to be without a romantic partner.
- Sober single support – find another sober person and commit to holding each other accountable for staying single.
- No secrets – if you feel like you cannot tell your therapist, your sponsor, and your best friend what you are doing, then you probably should not be doing it.
- Reach out – if you do ignore the rule about dating and things don’t work out as planned, be sure to utilize your support system to process your feelings and get back on track as quickly as possible.
At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, we understand the challenges that go along with starting your recovery journey, and we work with all of our guests to develop an individualized and whole-person strategy for life after treatment.