Guilt and shame are terms that are sometimes used interchangeably, but they are not the same. The differences between these two feelings are absolutely crucial to substance use recovery, and at Safe Harbor Recovery Center in Portsmouth, Virginia, we want to be sure that you understand how they are different.
Understanding Guilt
Dr. Brené Brown says that the difference between shame and guilt is where the focus is located. Guilt is feeling bad about something you did and deciding to address problems that might have resulted and do better in the future. Guilt can fuel accountability and is often part of the amends process when you recognize that you have drifted away from your own moral standards, so it can be very healthy.
How Shame Is Different from Guilt
Shame is believing that you are a bad person or less worthy because you made a mistake. Shame is far more intense, and it can have a paralyzing effect or cause people to focus on hiding their mistake instead of trying to address it. Dr. Brown describes shame as being highly correlated with:
- Addiction
- Depression
- Violence
- Aggression
- Bullying
- Suicide
- Eating disorders
Guilt, on the other hand, is connected to reduced problems in those areas, according to Dr. Brown.
How We Learn Shame
Often, we learn shame as children or teens, from our parents or peers. An example might be if you spilled some juice on the carpet when you were little. Your parents could respond by telling you it was okay and cleaning up the mess without making a fuss, or they could yell at you and make you feel like there is something wrong with you. From their reaction, you could learn that making a mistake makes you a bad person and that the shame you feel can become toxic to your well-being.
Where Shame Thrives
Dr. Brown goes on to say that there are three things that feed shame:
- Secrecy
- Silence
- Judgement
Anyone who has been in the recovery community for a while will also recognize these as risk factors for relapse. In addiction recovery:
Secrecy looks like:
- Hiding substance use
- Concealing thefts committed to access drugs
- Deceiving people to get money from them for drugs
Silence looks like:
- Covering up for a loved one who is in active addiction
- Refusing to talk about the illness
- Isolation from people who want them to stop using
Judgement looks like:
- Failing to show compassion for themselves and others in addiction
- Believing stigma that portrays people who struggle with addiction as bad people, incapable of recovering, unworthy of love
Another Heaping Helping of Shame
Unfortunately, people who struggle with addiction are also at increased risk for certain mental health disorders, which can also increase their likelihood of experiencing shame, such as:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Borderline personality disorder
Not only is there the shame people can experience because they have a mental health disorder or a substance use disorder, but there is often also an unfair assumption that people with co-occurring mental health and substance use disorders caused their own mental illness by having an addiction, and are therefore not worthy of help or empathy. This stigma is dangerous because it can keep people from getting treatment and recovering.
Shut That Shame Down
Once you are able to recognize the difference between guilt and shame, you can take steps to handle shame when it rears its ugly head:
- Self-compassion. Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend or beloved family member with the same feelings.
- Reach out. A trusted friend, family member, sponsor, therapist, or other person who you believe will be honest but kind, can listen to you and can help you remember that your mistakes don’t make you a bad person.
- Share. When you don’t allow shame to silence you and you open up to someone you can trust, their empathy can give you the power to let go of shame.
At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, we know that people thrive by learning to accept accountability for their choices, without falling into old patterns of shame that may have kept them sick. Our compassionate team of professionals works with our clients and their support systems to find new ways to think about mistakes and responsibility, which nurture sobriety and strengthen relationships.