“You alone can do it, but you can’t do it alone.” This famous quote sums up one of the struggles of recovery. The person who is fighting addiction must take ownership of their own sobriety or it won’t be sustainable–but support is needed for them to be successful in staying in recovery.
For many people, their strongest support comes from family members. Unfortunately, due to the nature of addiction and the heartache it can inflict upon the people involved, by the time many individuals are ready to embrace recovery, they may have burned a lot of bridges with their families. If your loved one is in recovery and you want to offer support, consider ways to help that won’t burn you out or inadvertently enable your loved one.
What Family Can’t Do
Regardless of how much you may love a person who has struggled with substance use disorder, there are some things you simply can’t do for them:
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- Cure their addiction with your love – Addiction is extremely complicated and can be the result of a variety of factors, some of which may only be able to be addressed through therapy, recovery groups, medications, and time to develop personal insight.
- Make them stop using – Dishing out guilt, money, or demands will not help the brain to stop craving a drug, nor will it fix the underlying conditions that made the person vulnerable to misusing substances.
- Deny the signs of addiction and relapse – Whether or not you acknowledge the problems, they will still be there, and your family member’s health and well-being will still be at risk.
- Fix the things inside them – You may have heard that there is a strong link between trauma and substance use disorder. The correlation between the two has actually been found to be stronger than the link between obesity and diabetes. The complicated underlying factors of drug use are part of the reason why most addicted individuals cannot just stop using without getting professional help.
- Heal them by sacrificing your own health – Neglecting your own needs will not help your loved one get better. In fact, by providing a good example of self-care, you may assist your family member with learning how to take better care of themselves, which is a key component in fighting off relapses.
What Family Can Offer
Despite the limits of family support, the family is still crucial and can help a person to enter and stay in recovery from substance use disorder. As shared by our partners at St. Joseph Recovery Center, there are many things that loved ones can offer to a person who is in active addiction, recovery, or relapse:
- Love – Being available to talk, to share a cup of coffee or to join in a mutually enjoyable activity will remind the person that they are not alone.
- Hope – Believing that that your family member or friend is capable of change and that the changes they make will improve their life may allow them to one day feel that way, too.
- Compassion – Understanding that people who face addiction are not bad, weak or morally corrupt will help you guide your loved one through the self-loathing they may be experiencing as a result of the behaviors they exhibited while in active addiction. Generally, people who struggle with substance use disorder are people in pain who lack the tools to address their pain in better ways.
- Forgiveness – Recognizing that your loved one was acting out of pain and desperation when they hurt you and allowing them the chance to make amends will help them to strengthen their recovery.
- A second chance – Allowing the person the opportunity to gradually rebuild trust will let them know that they are still valuable to you and still have your support in building a better life.
- Accountability – It is possible to love someone, show them compassion, and forgive them while also implementing healthy boundaries. If you aren’t sure how to do this, it might be helpful to attend individual or family therapy sessions or meetings of a support group for family members of people who’ve experienced addiction. SMART Recovery, PAL, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are just a few of the support groups that exist to aid the families of people who’ve faced substance use disorder.
How to Rebuild Relationships Damaged by Addiction
Addiction can create huge pain and immense rifts. These are not healed overnight. Given plenty of time and work, however, it is incredible how much healing can occur. Both the person who has struggled with addiction and their support system need to be patient and not rush through the healing process.
Making amends is often a step that a person in recovery will take when they are ready to face their mistakes and the harm they have caused to those they value. This may not happen immediately upon getting sober, as the person will likely need to work on other things to stabilize their recovery first. Often, a person’s therapist, substance abuse counselor, and/or sponsor will assist them in making amends.
In addition to attending therapy and support groups, it can also be beneficial to family members to use online resources to find other tools to shed light on the ways the past has influenced your loved one’s present and how to help them in building a better future.
Safe Harbor Recovery Center is proud to include our guests’ family in the recovery process and acknowledge them as a valuable partner in the journey forward.