There is a great deal of talk in the recovery community about getting a sponsor. They are often recommended as a guide who helps you on your journey. At Safe Harbor Recovery Center in Portsmouth, Virginia, we think it is important to consider what traits you should be seeking in a sponsor to ensure they will be a good support for you.
Do I Really Need a Sponsor
There is some debate about whether or not the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous actually requires people to have sponsors. Some people argue that the call to work with others in recovery doesn’t mean just leaning on one person, but to work with others who are addicted to alcohol in general. Those who don’t believe in having a single sponsor point to ineffective sponsorship as a reason for declining rates of success in 12-step programs, and they advocate for increased spiritual work and working with multiple people in recovery, instead of designating an individual sponsor.
The Risks of a Bad Sponsor
When a person finds a sponsor that isn’t the right fit for them, or who isn’t solid in their own recovery, there are some risks of unwanted outcomes:
- The sponsee becomes too dependent on the sponsor and perpetuates issues of co-dependency that are very common in people with substance use disorders
- The sponsor misuses their role as a way to exert authority over the sponsee
- Treating the sponsor like they are a therapist, when they aren’t meant to do that job
- Sponsor’s biases negatively impacting a sponsee’s recovery
- A sponsor taking credit for their sponsee’s recovery
- Use of manipulative/abusive tactics
The Sponsor Search
If you feel that you want to have a sponsor, it is important to take your time in deciding who to approach for sponsorship:
- Attend multiple different recovery meetings
- Pay attention to which stories resonate with you
- Look at the experience of prospective sponsors, not just in how long they have been in recovery, but also in sponsoring others and engaging in giving back
- Consider communication styles and how well the person listens
- Get to know them a bit and ask questions about their highs and lows, how they handle relapses, and difficult feelings
Signs of a Good Sponsor
When you feel ready to choose a sponsor, look for someone who embodies stability, compassion, and a commitment to recovery. A strong sponsor can make an enormous difference in your journey.
Consider the following qualities as you search for the right match:
- Has at least a year of sobriety and continues to stay active in their recovery
- Understands the 12 Steps and has worked through them personally
- Demonstrates honesty and trustworthiness in their words and actions
- Makes you feel comfortable opening up—and will tell you the truth, even when it’s hard to hear
- Has the time and willingness to support you, and is open about their own experiences
- Keeps an open mind and respects your perspective
- Is kind but firm, offering both compassion and accountability
- Encourages personal growth and helps you set meaningful goals
- Believes in giving back as part of maintaining their own recovery
- Avoids gossip and protects confidentiality
- Maintains healthy boundaries and lives a balanced, structured life
- Follows through on commitments and models integrity
- Has a recovery story you can relate to
- Serves as a positive role model, living the kind of life you’re striving for
- Surrounds themselves with supportive, positive people
Choosing a sponsor is a personal decision—take your time, trust your instincts, and remember that the right person can become a powerful source of guidance and encouragement.
Understanding Your Responsibilities
If you ask someone to sponsor you, you are also accepting certain responsibilities in the relationship, such as:
- Accepting a “no” if they already have too many other commitments to be a good sponsor to you
- Recognizing that it is okay to start with a temporary sponsor, as you are learning the program
- Collecting numbers of other people in recovery, so that you have other people to contact if your sponsor is unexpectedly unavailable
- Staying dedicated to your own recovery
- Contacting them when you need support
- Scheduling regular check-ins and following through
- Completing assignments your sponsor gives you thoughtfully and thoroughly
- Attending meetings and support groups regularly
- Respecting boundaries your sponsor sets in your relationship
At Safe Harbor Recovery Center, our team recognizes that each client’s recovery journey is unique, and we encourage each person we serve to think about their unique needs and goals as they consider how a sponsor could support their long-term recovery.